Natural Emerald Cut Diamond
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THIS STORY? WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT IT WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT. IF YOU WANT TO READ THE WHOLE THING PLEASE POST YOUR EMAIL.
PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN IMPROVE ON MY STORY.
You have a very interesting beginning for the story and the potential for it to go quite well. I like the description of what the main character sees, etc.
Areas to work on:
Try to avoid using repeated pronouns as the subject so often. This is difficult when you write a story in first person like you have, but still, it gets annoying to the reader to repeat words. Try rewording the sentence to avoid beginning it with "I" or "she" always.
Your sentences get choppy at times. By that I mean short followed by another 2 or 3 shorts. Use more sentence variety. Maybe one would be a longer sentence where you would use connecting words like "therefore", "however", "as well as" etc. and then the following sentence would be shorter for making a quick point and emphasis.
Make sure your first sentence hooks the reader to want to read the 2nd and so forth throughout the first few paragraphs. Once they're hooked, it's a lot easier usually. When I write [which I do constantly] I usually spend more than half the time of the first chapter solely on the first paragraph.
Last item, your speech is not quite natural. Spell out the conversations as you would say them, and then write them down with a little less perfect grammar if necessary or whatever reflection you wish to use of the speaker's accent or dialect.
Overall, I applaud you for beginning an overall excellent job. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to continuing to watch its progress. With only a little editting here and there, I see wonderful potential for it. GREAT JOB!
PS Don't look at it as a bad thing for editing. I've written many works now and always I have to go back and edit/change/alter/re-word and sometimes even completely re-do an entire section before it becomes perfect. It's all part of the process. You really are doing a great job!
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