three minute old poem?
Apple turn-over pancake batter brain.
Seeds sprouting up, wheat fields, grain,
Feet perched steady on solid ground,
Mind prison vibrating, jumping upside down.
Body shaking uncontrollably,
Unstoppable electricity.
Circuits to your heart,
Your eyes now start,
To bobble in your sockets,
Like two white opals, in the light socket.
Roots in your pockets,
Flowers in your hand,
Where you can press them against your cheek
Your body is the water, and your mind can be the land.
"Three Minutes" is not the title, it's how long it took to write this.
You have some good phrases, but as a whole, the poem doesn't do much with them. I'd recommend avoiding the rhymed couplets...they almost always sound "rhymy" and take away from the poem. If you want to write rhymed poetry, then at least stagger the rhyme so it's abcb, that way the rhyme is delayed by an extra line...but don't shorten the lines...keep them long to delay the rhymed word and you'll have a better poem. Like I said, you have some good images, but they don't combine into a line of thought. You could write several separate poems based on some of your phrases though..."pancake batter brain", "Mind prison vibrating", "Your body is the water, your mind can be the land".
...keep writing
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